sad Giving Up

This is my last journal entry. 

It has been You have been a non-smoker for:

I am a smoker, I can't do this anymore. 
The only reason i am not smoking right now is because i would have to fight with my girlfriend, to get out of the house. When she goes to work tomorrow I am going to buy a pack. 

I haven't eaten in 30 hours, I am sleeping just to escape my Horrid life.
I am going to smoke 
I am not quitting

I wish something would stop me.
I know nothing will.
I hope and that for me is the worst thing ever.

OH... i need a hair cut so i am going to shave my head, whats the point of hair anyway.

sad I agree.

I just read the three questions. page 6 on the stop smoking handbook. I failed on question one... I have not smoked for 24 days. I should have read part of the book. I would have known better then to try.

I finished the book before, i continued this journal. I agree with a lot of it.

I was thrust into the world of a non smoker, i didn't prepare, I didn't plan. 

I was not ready to quit in any way. 

There was no joy in the choice for me.

No last smoke, so symbolic cleaning, or ritualistic disposal of my Smokes.

If at some point, someone reads this and hasn't figured it out yet, I have struggled with depression for as long as i can remember. 

indifferent I think i am going to quit

I stopped drinking soda, I felt worst
I stopped eating a lot of carbs , i felt worst
I stopped eating no much salt, i felt worst
I stopped eating so much processed food, i felt worst
I stopped smoking, I felt worst

I don't enjoy life anymore, yes i am heather and "MAY" live longer, but at the price of my mood, and enjoyment. Do we fear death so much that we avoid it so.

I spent 20 minutes looking at the smoking case in HEB today.

I haven't eaten anything in 14 hours. I can't seem to find the will power to force myself. I just want to go to bed and sleep.

I read this for about an hour today.

“To be, or not to be: that is the question:
Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer
The slings and arrows of outrageous fortune,
Or to take arms against a sea of troubles,
And by opposing end them? To die: to sleep;
No more; and by a sleep to say we end
The heart-ache and the thousand natural shocks
That flesh is heir to, 'tis a consummation
Devoutly to be wish'd. To die, to sleep;
To sleep: perchance to dream: ay, there's the rub;
For in that sleep of death what dreams may come
When we have shuffled off this mortal coil,
Must give us pause: there's the respect
That makes calamity of so long life;
For who would bear the whips and scorns of time,
The oppressor's wrong, the proud man's contumely,
The pangs of despised love, the law's delay,
The insolence of office and the spurns
That patient merit of the unworthy takes,
When he himself might his quietus make
With a bare bodkin? who would fardels bear,
To grunt and sweat under a weary life,
But that the dread of something after death,
The undiscover'd country from whose bourn
No traveller returns, puzzles the will
And makes us rather bear those ills we have
Than fly to others that we know not of?
Thus conscience does make cowards of us all;
And thus the native hue of resolution
Is sicklied o'er with the pale cast of thought,
And enterprises of great pith and moment
With this regard their currents turn awry,
And lose the name of action.--Soft you now!
The fair Ophelia! Nymph, in thy orisons
Be all my sins remember'd!” 

indifferent Trying

Trying to be happy.

indifferent Want

I got 2 hours of sleep last night, and now am up for the day. My cravings keep me up and I snack. 

I am going back to school.

Another thing I am worried about.

I want a cig so bad.

I do not fell like i am quitting, I fell like if i had one on me right now i would be smoking, the only question is, does laziness beat craving... time will tell.

indifferent Nope.

I Clinched my lighter for about 2 hours today. I have had a very bad day, if i had Smokes on me I would have had one.

laziness+willpower = quitting

I am still quitting.
I am still a smoker who is currently not smoking.
I dont know how many more days like i can handle.

"I am quiting"

My girl friend try's to help, and that is a good thing.

She says the same thing, "your doing a good job"

It start to lose meaning after 3 weeks but she means it and wants the best for me.

I didn't do anything today.

indifferent Today

The time between wanting a cig is going down, after 2 and 1/2 weeks I still want one ever few hours, but now it is a few hours, i still snack, but i can now walk out of a building and not crave one, and that is a big deal for me.

I did all most throw and hamburger at a store manager today. They severed me the worst hamburger i have ever had the displease of taking a bite out of. 

I am still more moody, i think i may need to take anger management, as a smoker i was less hostile.

I demanded a refund, and told him i would never darken there door again. 

I will be posting reviews on yelp and other sites. 

After i told him it was the worst ever, it was dry and burnt. He didn't try to make it right, server me a better version of there food, something not left on the grill 10-30 mins to long, he said "Thank you, have a nice day."

On the up side i had a conflict and didn't want to smoke my anger away, nor did I let it ruin my day.

I got my g/f a new dress and we went to play and the arcade.

sad April 4, 9:50 Pm

I have not written in a few days, i had another tooth pulled and I am useless for those days. 

It has been a day and i few hours I am still bleeding. 

good news

with the pain and blood and dizziness : I have not been awake long enough to want to smoke.

Life sucks

"I am quitting"

indifferent I don't care

I eat so i don't smoke, i know i am putting on weight, i just had a tooth out so i am trying to eat soft things. 

I hate life and life hates me. 

"I am Quitting" 

sad Saturday March 30, 2013

It has been a rough couple of days, i haven't even had the desire to get anything done and that includes this journal. 

Went to dinner with people i didn't like today, most of my time was spent thinking i want a smoke. 

I had a fight with my girl today about the dinner. 

It is funny, everything little thing that goes wrong and it makes me want a smoke. 

"I am quitting"

I look forward to the day when i can say i quit... i think the day/week/month that i make it without thinking about it... i will be a non smoker... 

Till then i am just someone who is not currently smoking. 

I would kill you all for a smoke. Not even a full one, just a couple puffs.

"I am Quitting" 

I don't like myself as "someone who is not currently smoking"
I dislike people more
I eat more
I am in a worse mood
I am very unsatisfied with my choice. 

sad Wednesday March 27 3:00 PM

I am having a though time right now. I can't stop the craving, i am holding my lighter, and thinking about running to the store for a pack... I try to rationalize that i just want one but i know 1 = 1 more, and another...ect. 

So i set here trying to think about anything else, but nothing.... quitting is not getting any easier. 

"I am quitting"
"i am quitting"

I would kill you all for a smoke.

sad Tuesday March 26, 2013

indifferent Saturday March 23, 2013

I finally fell a sleep last night. I was 6 AM, well i guess it was this mourning. I woke up ever couple few hours wanting to smoke. The cravings have gotten worse, i can fell the moodiness, and short temper. I am going shopping today with my girlfriend. I pray my temper holds. 

"I am quitting" 
"i am quitting"
*take a breath*

trying to keep positive, the power of will power, i will not smoke today.

sad Fryday 11:30 pm

It has been 4 hours since i last posted. 

I played Diablo 3  for those hours.  It helped pass the time, but the craving is still nagging at the back of my mind, crawling, scraping trying to break  my will. I am a cool foul. "I am quitting" Is my new mantra, i breath and repeat it. "I am quitting." 

sad Fryday March 22 2013 9:00 PM

Craving Craving I want a cig. It should only last a min or two... so far it has been 30 mins and it has not gone away. 

It has been 2 days i think, and the craving has only gotten worse. I am trying to watch tv but then it is a commercial and i am thinking about it again. I need something that doesn't take a break every 15 mins for 3 mins i need something to take my mind off of smoking and this is not helping at all. 

I have 1 and  1/2 packs setting in my g/f car and i can't forget about it. I need help...